Damn Cat

I hate cats.  Really, truly hate cats.  I make no bones or pretense about it.  I think they're a lot little on the evil side.  Seriously, when I'm out running and one crosses my path, I get the shivers and cross to the other side of the street.  Their "beady little eyes" (name that movie) give me the creeps and they make me so sick (I'm allergic to them), that I'm pretty sure they were sent here from the devil himself.  They make my large protruding eyes swell shut, which makes them only slightly less protruding, and I sneeze like a drug addict that snorts pepper.  They're useless pets.  They do nothing but lay around, grooming themselves.  They shed disgusting amounts of hair and if they're trained correctly they defecate in a box IN YOUR HOUSE.  Ummm.....GROSS!  If you can't use the toilet, take your business outside! thank. you. very. much.!

So, imagine my horror yesterday morning when we heard some very LOUD meowing coming from somewhere outside of our house.  We looked out all the windows that lead to the backyard.  Nothing.  Finally, Dave opened the front door and there, was a black cat, sitting on my welcome mat like it belonged there.  The opening of the door scared it off and I thought "Good riddance!".  Later that afternoon I was sitting at the table eating my lunch when I heard, "meow, meow, meow".  I froze, Larabar in mid-air.  Very slowly, I turned around and there was that same damn cat from this morning.  Only this time it had the audacity to show up at my back door and interrupt my lunch.  I was pissed.

Exhibit A:  Damn Cat

I started yelling at it through the door, to no avail.  So I opened the door just a crack to shoo it off and it TRIED TO COME INSIDE!  I thought,  "Oh, no you didn't!" and  I started screaming all sorts of obscenities and doing the "get off my back porch" dance (what? you don't know it?  it's all the rage!  really, get up to speed would you?!?!)  The dance worked, and the cat scurried off.  I was really hoping I wouldn't see this cat again, however, the universe was looking down on me, laughing and saying, "I've got to see her do that dance, just one more time!"  So who do you think showed up at my back door again at dinnertime?  Yep, you guessed it, that damn cat!

Exhibit B:  Damn Cat take two

Really?  REEHEEALLY? (name THAT movie!)  I'm just a liiittttllleee bit frustrated at this point.  I opened up the door, just an inch and did the "Get Rid of Damn Cat Ritual" and guess what, NOTHING happened!  That damn cat didn't budge.  So I went and got the broom to give it a little nudge (I didn't hurt it! Disclaimer:  I am not a cruel person.  I would never knowingly harm an animal.  Obscenities, "Get Off My Back Porch" dance, and gentle nudges with a broom do not count as harm.  Just sayin'.) and that damn cat HISSED at me!  I was like, "OH HELL NO!  This is private property cat!  Does the word TRESPASS mean anything to you!"  It took off like a bat out of hell and clawed it's way up my brick wall.  Seriously, what kind of animal can claw it's way up a freaking brick wall?  One word....EVIL. 

I was sure I would wake up this morning to meowing, but the cat was a no-show, thank goodness!  I honestly thought I was in the clear, until I went to put the Beast in the car on our way to pick up Princess.  When we walked into the garage, I could hear the all too familiar meowing.  I got us both in the car, shut and locked the doors (had to make sure we were safe), THEN I opened the garage.  No cat.  Ever so slowly I turned my head and looked at the garage door that leads to the backyard.  Apparently the cat had found a new door to meow at.  As far as I'm concerned it can meow at that door until the cows come home.  I don't have to see it, or hear it at that door and the only time we use that door is to take out the trash and recycling.  So, seeing as how Dave is in charge of the trash and recycling I will (cross your fingers) never have to see  that cat again!

So there Universe! Take that!

Who's laughing now?!?!  Hmmmm......?

Boo-yah!